The Blind Spots in Our Lives

Reinventing Your Life

(For reading in Chinese, please scroll down to the end of the English text.)

(For international readers, allow me to explain: I am an American but I have lived in China since 2004. My city of Chongqing, often abbreviated as CQ, is pronounced Chong Ching to rhyme with Wrong Ring. CQ is a megacity of 30 million people in south-central China, on the Yangtze River. I’ve come a long, long way – 13 time zones to be exact – from my original home town of Rolla, Missouri, on the Little Dry Fork creek.)

I have a friend who recently returned from an extended trip. Over a long lunch, we talked about events that had occurred in our lives since the last time we met and, even more interesting, what we had learned from our experiences. It was a very pleasant lunch with the additional, non-caloric benefits of some entertaining new stories.

Photo by jamesoladujoye

Some of those stories, however, set me to thinking. Afterwards, I thought a bit more about the stories of relationships and the repeating patterns we can see – especially in the rearview mirror of hindsight. In cars, if certain areas not being visible from the driver’s seat, we call those parts of his view “blind spots”. In case of an accident, the driver can honestly say he couldn’t see what was in his blind spot.

Let’s consider relationships in that light. What if some of our relationship choices could be explained by the concept of blind spots? What if some individuals have psychological blind spots that cause them to have repeating unsuccessful relationship – some of them real disasters? These are patterns they simply cannot see, even though they may be clear to others. Blind spots.

Photo by intographics

Some people seem doomed to repeat certain errors in their personal relationships. They make the same mistakes over and over, just with a different partner each time. When something happens once, it may be simply bad luck or a poorly considered decision. However, when the pattern is repeated several times, the onus falls on them, the poor-decision maker. They – not the partners they have chosen – are the primary cause of the disaster.

Many of the horrendously embarrassing relationship errors we make – then repeat, then repeat again, then repeat yet again – are the result of psychological blind spots. We just don’t see the trouble coming, even though our friends may try to warn us. Even more tragic, after we clean up the mess and we earnestly declare that we learned from the experience and we won’t make that mistake again, very often, we soon do make that same mistake. We do exactly the same thing but in a new relationship.

Smart people can make some very un-smart choices. It’s like they have a psychological blind spot; they simply cannot see the errors they are making in this area of their life. (Not me, of course. I’m too smart to do something that self-destructive.) In finding a new partner, those smart people don’t change. They unconsciously choose to ignore the fundamental law of the relationship universe: If you keep doing the same old thing, you’re going to keep getting the same old results.

How we human beings find love is one of the great mysteries of life. As soon as they approach maturity, most people immediately begin seeking a mate. We all begin looking for Mr. Right or Ms. Right. It becomes a top priority, consuming inordinate amounts of time, money, and attention. Inevitably, as in every new skill, people make mistakes in the process of struggling up the learning curve. In the process, almost everyone makes a few bad choices. That perfectly wonderful Mr. Right or Ms. Right turns out to be less wonderful. Normal enough. Something they did or some quality in the other person made it inevitable. A few people, though, go right back into the relationship search and engage in exactly the same pattern that caused their first downfall.

Photo by Tumisu

Inexplicably, however, some people just don’t seem to learn from their experiences. They fail the relationship test over and over. These tragedies are the results of their personal psycholoigical blind spots. They remain ignorant of what is glaringly obvious to the people around them. Even when warned by concerned friends, they assure the friends (and themselves), “This time will be different. I’ve learned what not to do.” Famous last words. Sadly, we cannot see what we cannot see.

What is a tripwire? It is a hidden wire stretched across a path. Unwary intruders walk into the tripwire and set off an alarm. Often, they literally trip over the wire, hence the name. Since we cannot remove the blind spots that cause repeating personal disasters, we need to install tripwires to alert us – with blaring alarms and flashing lights if necessary. Those trip wires are to keep us from falling off the romantic cliff again. Think about this: We would lead much happier, more stable, and less traumatic lives if we had a tripwire to alert us that we were on the edge of repeating another relationship disaster due to our blind spot. If we simply cannot see the danger, the tripwire will give us advance notice. The tripwire will make us aware of the dangerous waters we are entering by pursuing this new relationship.  

Why do we need a tripwire? Because we are often guilty of self-delusion when it comes to our personal blind spot, we do not see the upcoming danger and quickly reverse course – the actions of any reasonable person. If we could install out own personal tripwires, wouldn’t our lives be smoother, happier, and less filled with half-forgotten relationship traumas which jolt us awake some mornings years after the event?

Take from pixabay

What would a tripwire look like? When you see a pattern is about to be repeated, you need something to remind yourself that your own judgment and intuition are not to be trusted. Your impulses are about to drag you into another relationship disaster. In essence, it would be a reminder that what has led to disaster in the past is about to be repeated. The tripwire is to physically interrupt that process.

You need a tripwire to make you consciously aware that you are on a slippery slope and that, instead of proceeding as before, you need to make a hasty retreat. Your first impulses and habitual behaviors are your own worst enemies. To invert an old hippie phrase: If it feels right, don’t do it.

Maybe, if we had created a tripwire – and we profited from its warning – we would have fewer sad stories to share the next time we have lunch with an old friend who has just returned from an extended trip.

Photo by Free-Photos

我们生活中的盲点

我有一个朋友最近从一次长期旅行中回来。在一次漫长的午餐中,我们谈论了自上次见面以来我们生活中发生的事件,更有趣的是,我们从我们的经历中学到了什么。这是一个非常愉快的午餐,还有一些有趣的新故事带来的额外的、非热量的好处。

然而,其中的一些故事,让我陷入了思考。之后,我对关系的故事和我们可以看到的重复模式–特别是在事后的后视镜中–有了更多的思考。在汽车上,如果某些区域在驾驶座上看不到,我们就把他视野中的这些部分称为 “盲点”。万一发生事故,司机可以老老实实地说,他看不到自己盲点里的东西。

让我们从这个角度来考虑人际关系。如果我们的一些关系选择可以用盲点的概念来解释呢?如果有些人有心理盲点,导致他们有重复的不成功的关系–其中一些是真正的灾难呢?这些是他们根本看不到的模式,尽管对别人来说可能很清楚。盲点。

有些人似乎注定要在个人关系中重复某些错误。他们一次又一次地犯同样的错误,只是每次的伴侣不同。当某件事情发生一次时,可能只是运气不好或考虑不周的决定。然而,当这种模式重复几次时,责任就落在他们身上,即决策失误者。他们–而不是他们选择的合作伙伴–才是灾难的主要原因。

我们所犯的许多可怕的令人尴尬的关系错误–然后重复,再重复,再重复–都是心理盲点的结果。我们只是没有看到麻烦的到来,尽管我们的朋友可能会试图警告我们。更为悲惨的是,当我们收拾了烂摊子,并诚恳地宣布我们从这次经历中吸取了教训,不会再犯同样的错误后,很多时候,我们很快就会犯同样的错误。我们做的事情完全一样,但在新的关系中。

聪明的人可以做出一些很不聪明的选择。就像他们有一个心理盲点,他们根本看不到自己在生活中这方面的错误。(当然,我不是。我太聪明了,不会做那种自毁前程的事情。)在寻找新伴侣的过程中,那些聪明人并没有改变。他们不自觉地选择忽略关系宇宙的基本法则。如果你继续做同样的老事情, 你会继续得到同样的老结果。

我们人类如何找到爱情,是人生的一大奥秘。一旦他们接近成熟,大多数人立即开始寻找伴侣。我们都开始寻找合适的先生或小姐。这成了头等大事,耗费了过多的时间、金钱和注意力。不可避免的是,就像每一项新技能一样,人们在学习曲线上挣扎的过程中会犯错误。在这个过程中,几乎每个人都会做出一些错误的选择。那个完美美好的Mr.Right或Ms.Right原来就不那么美好。足够正常。他们所做的一些事情或者对方的一些品质使其不可避免。有几个人,虽然,直接回到关系搜索和从事完全相同的模式,导致他们的第一次失败。

然而,令人费解的是,有些人似乎并没有从他们的经验中吸取教训。他们一次又一次地在关系测试中失败。这些悲剧是他们个人心理盲点的结果。他们对周围人显而易见的事情仍然一无所知。即使被关心他们的朋友警告,他们也会向朋友(和他们自己)保证:”这次会不一样。我已经学会了什么不该做。” 著名的遗言。可悲的是,我们无法看到我们看不到的东西。

什么是绊线?它是一条横跨在道路上的隐蔽电线。不小心的入侵者走到绊线上就会触发警报。通常情况下,他们是真的被电线绊倒了,因此而得名。既然我们无法消除造成人身灾难反复的盲点,我们就需要安装绊线来提醒我们–必要时用响亮的警报器和闪光灯。这些绊脚线是为了防止我们再次掉下浪漫的悬崖。想想看,我们会过得更快乐,更幸福。如果我们有一条绊脚线来提醒我们,由于我们的盲点,我们正处于重蹈另一个关系灾难的边缘,那么我们的生活会更快乐,更稳定,创伤也会更小。如果我们根本看不到危险,绊马索会提前通知我们。绊马索会让我们意识到追求这段新关系所进入的危险水域。

为什么我们需要绊马索?因为我们在遇到个人盲点时,常常会犯自欺欺人的毛病,我们看不到即将到来的危险,并迅速扭转方向–这是任何一个理智的人的行为。如果我们能安装出自己的个人绊脚线,我们的生活是不是会更顺利,更快乐,更少的充满了半忘不掉的关系创伤,这些创伤在事件发生多年后的一些早晨把我们惊醒?

绊脚线会是什么样子的呢?当你看到一个模式即将重演时,你需要一些东西来提醒自己,你自己的判断和直觉是不可信的。你的冲动即将把你拖入另一场关系灾难。实质上,这将是一个提醒,过去导致灾难的事情即将重演。绊脚线就是要从物理上打断这个过程。

你需要绊马索来让你有意识地意识到自己正处在一个滑坡上,而不是像以前那样继续前进,你需要匆匆撤退。你的第一次冲动和习惯性行为是你自己最大的敌人。套用一句嬉皮士的老话:如果感觉对,就不要做。

也许,如果我们创造了一条绊脚线–我们从它的警告中获利–下次与刚从长期旅行中回来的老朋友共进午餐时,我们就不会有那么多悲伤的故事可以分享。

1 thought on “The Blind Spots in Our Lives

  1. Nice view! I really like the point of “blind spot”. A “tripwire” in reality could everything, but for the most of time it may be a trauma or kind of torturous feeling, or even a song would make us recall all that passed tragedies…

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